identity.

i thought i knew who i was
until the day i looked in the mirror.
i looked nothing like the image you had created.
mangled and ashamed
i appeared as a mere piece of guilt.

i thought i knew who i was
until i began to know you.
you seemed a breath of fresh air
to my stuffy heart.
but then, i thought i knew who i was.

still, in the follies of knowing who i was
i thought my downfalls and failures were hated
so to conceal them was my strength.
no one would ever know who i truly was
because i thought i knew who i was.

friends come and go and all was to be at their blame.
never once did i think it might be because of my waywardness
just because i thought i knew who i was.

i thought i knew who i was
until i looked love deep into the eyes
and i didn't get to see my hate melt away from me.
but in a moment, my jealousies and ambiguity
turned into a wall of security around me.
my eyes were concentrated ahead.

it was then that love looked me in the eyes
and i realized what i had become.
everything became known
and what once was known became foolery.

i thought i knew who i was
until i met you.

now all i know is who you are
now all i know is what you've done.

i thought i knew who i was
until the day i looked in the mirror.
and i saw you.

i want to see you as my identity.

i know what it's like to be bound.
i remember the chains that held me close to the floor.
i know the nights that kept me down
that recycled the memory of my face hitting the ground.

i thought i knew right, i thought it was best.
my drunkenness and my waywardness.

i sensed law as gravity against my bones.
i rejected love and mistook it for law.

i thought i knew fear
i thought i knew what it meant to be wise
then i stared fear dead in the eyes
and i felt like a fool.
oh, but you knew.

i remember the nights on a clouded flight
the way i ran. oh, the way i ran.
far as the eye to see and yet you had your eyes on me.

i remember disgust clear across my mother's face
i was a shame, hopeless, a disgrace.

the rebellion within seemed like i was free
and freedoms reach was not what i thought.

i must have been a senseless fool to you...
yet, now... i belong to you.

and all along i thought i knew
what it meant to be bound.

now i know that being bound
consists of a freedom beyond definition...
a grace beyond comprehension...
entirely based from redemption...
the purpose of reconciliation...
closer than the chains once cloven to my ankles...

i am bound to you.

freedom's give.

i know what's it like to be free
i know what freedom's taste is to my lips
i know it's scent more than my wondering senses
i know it's eyes more than anything

but it's figure...
it has none but a mere silhouette
made up from a shadow
and nothing more than lines do i see

but, in all... i see freedom

uncut and unaltered
but by alteration it finds itself
the Spirit moves as the Spirit will
it has no form nor figure.

at alteration it finds itself best
yes, i have tasted freedoms yield
i have partaken in it's give
and i would follow to my death

it brings life to wherever it goes
and casts down wherever it flows
to bring to the surface what is inside
to convict the laws that have had me bound

to reveal that the law is fulfilled
and that faith in You is our dependent
to have freedom is to be bound
to be bound is to love
to love is to only reflect what You
have already so wonderfully done.

freedom 'tis the very thing that keeps me alive
to behold in reconcile the dreams i've kept inside
pulling them out from my innermost
i'm watching as You make them alive.

and i see as i am awakened
from my chained definition of freedom
i realize that now all along
freedom has always been Your undying Spirit.

and now, i know what's it like to be free
i know what freedom's taste is to my lips
i know it's scent far better than my wondering senses
i know it's eyes more than anything...
for in them i have only ever seen You.
and now i have found freedom in Your eyes.

my deepest

my deepest
my lowest
my darkest place.

my body as a dump
my soul is the disgust
yet... my heart is purer than gold.

but to untangle
but to reveal that heart

t'will take an eternity to uncover
to unveil that which is pure

and in my heart of hearts
i wish not to be human
i wish not to be apart of the nature of sin

but frames of grace in dimensions unknown
is pixeled into my ever changing heart
from my unchanging God.

what a solid Stability
in a world of instabilities.
and a soul full with insecurities.

legacy

today.
i have put on a pair of bigger pearls.
the definition to my action is void.
but i wear my pearls today.

today.
i will be introduced to new people.
see faces i've seen before
anticipating their arrival.
but i wear my navy pants today.

today.
i prepare my heart to lead.
to prepare other hearts to lead.
one day to take my place,
but i wear my hair a little different today.

today.
with all this to say
my dreams on my sleeve
and my troubles gone far away
i anticipate the arrival of those to go before me.
and i attire in dresscode
to example what i would hope to leave
a legacy.

first light,

i am...


i awaken to the work that awaits me in the daylight not far.
i take a deep breath.

my hands quiver at the loads they will bear in the nearest hours.
my fingers will drench in the water of washing and rinsing.

my soul shivers at the sound of the wind that blows.
my heart will be caged even before it can roam free.


daylight.
i am...

do i really deserve to be here?
my breathing consists of pure pain and grief.

my hair grows longer, but it is dirty and snagging.
and i watch the other's adorn themselves in their lovely dresses
and mine fades and withers.
jealous? no. i, yet, wish to be dressed in a lovely gown.
in my mother's gown.

and my heart is yet alive. still alive. surviving.


noon.
i am...

what does my name even mean?
i live within a world causing hurt and wounds.
surely, i was not made for this.
surely, this is not my destiny.

yet, today... am i living up to my name.
or so i've been told.
so i am made to think.

a wretched devil over my shoulder
a evil sidekick at her side.
and a tag along... oh, i loathe them all, really.

there is not enough love in my heart for anyone anymore.
or so i think.


today.
i am...


i scrub and scrub, down on my knees
even deep within my self, trying to be rid pain.

the tears fall silently down my face.
as i fall abruptly to the ground.
i've fallen, but haven't even made a sound.


so no one has heard me.
no one can see me.
i am all alone.

and i am haunted by my own shadow.

]
this afternoon.
i am...

bending and crouching and
hiding.
i am not able to be rid of the enemies that i live with.
my heart longs to be where my heart is.
but where is my heart?

i long to find it.
maybe one holds it.
i am not sure.




oh, but find me in the highest room in the tallest tower...


but this is not a fairy tail.





my fingers are raw to the bone.
washing and hanging and drying and folding.
and i continue the journey of this day with little hope.














evening.
i am...






rushing and saying goodbye to the ones who are the authors of my torture.
helping them and watching them steal the very precious things.
my very precious things that were given to me.

i have no chest full of beautiful things i hope to be.
all of my hopes and dreams, instead of being fulfilled, have been taken from me.
and all that is left now is nothing.










nothing in my hands.
nothing in my chest.


nothing in my heart.

tonight.
i am....



and i speak with more confidence as i find myself taking a step.
the step of direction.
the step in life that will take you somewhere.
yes. the step onto the carriage.

the step of my future. that is what i take.
it is what i have taken.

judge me. go ahead.
because i've chosen to awaken my dreams.

but tonight, i will be a belle.
a beauty.


midnight.
i am...

my heart has been found.
and also been torn to shreds.

i have my best of friends
he has found out of me.
the one i love.

yes, i am a peasant, worthy of nothing.

i must run.
i must run into the night
before i am seen,
before i am caught.
i will run into my bed of tears and brokeness.
the unshaded moonlight will be my friend.

the resolution of my story...
i have lost my way to your heart.
i thought i had found, but i have lost.

help me see. and bring me back the treasure i have lost...


for tonight


i am... cinderella.

he sees her.

as her face smiles but her heart aloads the burden of life.
he watches her hope dim to silent tears.
and she begins to circle the checkered floor
as the moonlight gazes in from a near bay window.
and beneath her tears, he sees her heart alive
dancing to the rythyms of his heart beat.
he sees her


but she does not see him.
he hides behind his fear of her knowing.
each moment as she passes him by with every turn she makes
his heart poses a challenge to step out and take her hand.
to take her into his arms.
but the fear of rejection is too grave...
so, he sees her

as she ballets the infinity of the hall.
her heart grows heavier... so, she prances in more persuasion.
persuading herself she can be rid of all of her fears
by swaying alive through a hallway.
and he sees her

hiding behind all of her streams of tears
cascades an overflow of brokeness.
her eyes tell a story of pain
but he watches with a hope of resolving her heart.
and he sees her

as she twirls and turns, she falls onto the floor.
as she weeps ever so hard,
he runs, forgetting all of his fear...
to her rescue.

aiding her from the fall
he firms her in his arms.
he brushes back her hair from her face
wiping a tear from her cheek
she looks up in surrender
so vulnerable. she has been caught.

and into his eyes she sees
the man of her rescue.
but now, she sees him.

yet, all is well...
because he sees her.