I'm trying to find the song...

identity.

2010-01-13T11:50:00.000-08:00

i thought i knew who i was
until the day i looked in the mirror.
i looked nothing like the image you had created.
mangled and ashamed
i appeared as a mere piece of guilt.

i thought i knew who i was
until i began to know you.
you seemed a breath of fresh air
to my stuffy heart.
but then, i thought i knew who i was.

still, in the follies of knowing who i was
i thought my downfalls and failures were hated
so to conceal them was my strength.
no one would ever know who i truly was
because i thought i knew who i was.

friends come and go and all was to be at their blame.
never once did i think it might be because of my waywardness
just because i thought i knew who i was.

i thought i knew who i was
until i looked love deep into the eyes
and i didn't get to see my hate melt away from me.
but in a moment, my jealousies and ambiguity
turned into a wall of security around me.
my eyes were concentrated ahead.

it was then that love looked me in the eyes
and i realized what i had become.
everything became known
and what once was known became foolery.

i thought i knew who i was
until i met you.

now all i know is who you are
now all i know is what you've done.

i thought i knew who i was
until the day i looked in the mirror.
and i saw you.

i want to see you as my identity.

2010-01-11T18:15:00.000-08:00

i know what it's like to be bound.
i remember the chains that held me close to the floor.
i know the nights that kept me down
that recycled the memory of my face hitting the ground.

i thought i knew right, i thought it was best.
my drunkenness and my waywardness.

i sensed law as gravity against my bones.
i rejected love and mistook it for law.

i thought i knew fear
i thought i knew what it meant to be wise
then i stared fear dead in the eyes
and i felt like a fool.
oh, but you knew.

i remember the nights on a clouded flight
the way i ran. oh, the way i ran.
far as the eye to see and yet you had your eyes on me.

i remember disgust clear across my mother's face
i was a shame, hopeless, a disgrace.

the rebellion within seemed like i was free
and freedoms reach was not what i thought.

i must have been a senseless fool to you...
yet, now... i belong to you.

and all along i thought i knew
what it meant to be bound.

now i know that being bound
consists of a freedom beyond definition...
a grace beyond comprehension...
entirely based from redemption...
the purpose of reconciliation...
closer than the chains once cloven to my ankles...

i am bound to you.

freedom's give.

2009-12-31T13:57:00.001-08:00

i know what's it like to be free
i know what freedom's taste is to my lips
i know it's scent more than my wondering senses
i know it's eyes more than anything

but it's figure...
it has none but a mere silhouette
made up from a shadow
and nothing more than lines do i see

but, in all... i see freedom

uncut and unaltered
but by alteration it finds itself
the Spirit moves as the Spirit will
it has no form nor figure.

at alteration it finds itself best
yes, i have tasted freedoms yield
i have partaken in it's give
and i would follow to my death

it brings life to wherever it goes
and casts down wherever it flows
to bring to the surface what is inside
to convict the laws that have had me bound

to reveal that the law is fulfilled
and that faith in You is our dependent
to have freedom is to be bound
to be bound is to love
to love is to only reflect what You
have already so wonderfully done.

freedom 'tis the very thing that keeps me alive
to behold in reconcile the dreams i've kept inside
pulling them out from my innermost
i'm watching as You make them alive.

and i see as i am awakened
from my chained definition of freedom
i realize that now all along
freedom has always been Your undying Spirit.

and now, i know what's it like to be free
i know what freedom's taste is to my lips
i know it's scent far better than my wondering senses
i know it's eyes more than anything...
for in them i have only ever seen You.
and now i have found freedom in Your eyes.

my deepest

2009-08-23T11:22:00.001-07:00

my deepest
my lowest
my darkest place.

my body as a dump
my soul is the disgust
yet... my heart is purer than gold.

but to untangle
but to reveal that heart

t'will take an eternity to uncover
to unveil that which is pure

and in my heart of hearts
i wish not to be human
i wish not to be apart of the nature of sin

but frames of grace in dimensions unknown
is pixeled into my ever changing heart
from my unchanging God.

what a solid Stability
in a world of instabilities.
and a soul full with insecurities.

legacy

2009-08-23T11:20:00.000-07:00

today.
i have put on a pair of bigger pearls.
the definition to my action is void.
but i wear my pearls today.

today.
i will be introduced to new people.
see faces i've seen before
anticipating their arrival.
but i wear my navy pants today.

today.
i prepare my heart to lead.
to prepare other hearts to lead.
one day to take my place,
but i wear my hair a little different today.

today.
with all this to say
my dreams on my sleeve
and my troubles gone far away
i anticipate the arrival of those to go before me.
and i attire in dresscode
to example what i would hope to leave
a legacy.

2009-07-15T19:25:00.000-07:00

first light,

i am...

i awaken to the work that awaits me in the daylight not far.
i take a deep breath.

my hands quiver at the loads they will bear in the nearest hours.
my fingers will drench in the water of washing and rinsing.

my soul shivers at the sound of the wind that blows.
my heart will be caged even before it can roam free.

daylight.
i am...

do i really deserve to be here?
my breathing consists of pure pain and grief.

my hair grows longer, but it is dirty and snagging.
and i watch the other's adorn themselves in their lovely dresses
and mine fades and withers.
jealous? no. i, yet, wish to be dressed in a lovely gown.
in my mother's gown.

and my heart is yet alive. still alive. surviving.

noon.
i am...

what does my name even mean?
i live within a world causing hurt and wounds.
surely, i was not made for this.
surely, this is not my destiny.

yet, today... am i living up to my name.
or so i've been told.
so i am made to think.

a wretched devil over my shoulder
a evil sidekick at her side.
and a tag along... oh, i loathe them all, really.

there is not enough love in my heart for anyone anymore.
or so i think.

today.
i am...

i scrub and scrub, down on my knees
even deep within my self, trying to be rid pain.

the tears fall silently down my face.
as i fall abruptly to the ground.
i've fallen, but haven't even made a sound.

so no one has heard me.
no one can see me.
i am all alone.

and i am haunted by my own shadow.

]
this afternoon.
i am...

bending and crouching and
hiding.
i am not able to be rid of the enemies that i live with.
my heart longs to be where my heart is.
but where is my heart?

i long to find it.
maybe one holds it.
i am not sure.

oh, but find me in the highest room in the tallest tower...

but this is not a fairy tail.

my fingers are raw to the bone.
washing and hanging and drying and folding.
and i continue the journey of this day with little hope.

evening.
i am...

rushing and saying goodbye to the ones who are the authors of my torture.
helping them and watching them steal the very precious things.
my very precious things that were given to me.

i have no chest full of beautiful things i hope to be.
all of my hopes and dreams, instead of being fulfilled, have been taken from me.
and all that is left now is nothing.

nothing in my hands.
nothing in my chest.

nothing in my heart.

tonight.
i am....

and i speak with more confidence as i find myself taking a step.
the step of direction.
the step in life that will take you somewhere.
yes. the step onto the carriage.

the step of my future. that is what i take.
it is what i have taken.

judge me. go ahead.
because i've chosen to awaken my dreams.

but tonight, i will be a belle.
a beauty.

midnight.
i am...

my heart has been found.
and also been torn to shreds.

i have my best of friends
he has found out of me.
the one i love.

yes, i am a peasant, worthy of nothing.

i must run.
i must run into the night
before i am seen,
before i am caught.
i will run into my bed of tears and brokeness.
the unshaded moonlight will be my friend.

the resolution of my story...
i have lost my way to your heart.
i thought i had found, but i have lost.

help me see. and bring me back the treasure i have lost...

for tonight

i am... cinderella.

2009-07-13T09:45:00.000-07:00

he sees her.

as her face smiles but her heart aloads the burden of life.
he watches her hope dim to silent tears.
and she begins to circle the checkered floor
as the moonlight gazes in from a near bay window.
and beneath her tears, he sees her heart alive
dancing to the rythyms of his heart beat.
he sees her

but she does not see him.
he hides behind his fear of her knowing.
each moment as she passes him by with every turn she makes
his heart poses a challenge to step out and take her hand.
to take her into his arms.
but the fear of rejection is too grave...
so, he sees her

as she ballets the infinity of the hall.
her heart grows heavier... so, she prances in more persuasion.
persuading herself she can be rid of all of her fears
by swaying alive through a hallway.
and he sees her

hiding behind all of her streams of tears
cascades an overflow of brokeness.
her eyes tell a story of pain
but he watches with a hope of resolving her heart.
and he sees her

as she twirls and turns, she falls onto the floor.
as she weeps ever so hard,
he runs, forgetting all of his fear...
to her rescue.

aiding her from the fall
he firms her in his arms.
he brushes back her hair from her face
wiping a tear from her cheek
she looks up in surrender
so vulnerable. she has been caught.

and into his eyes she sees
the man of her rescue.
but now, she sees him.

yet, all is well...
because he sees her.

2009-07-06T12:43:00.001-07:00

a vivid clearing appears in the distance
as the morning clears the erstwhile explosive skies
the dawn opening awakens mist arising
upon the candscent horizon.

and it arises.
the combinations of smoke and fog.

cumbustions in the sky.
the ecstasy of every eye

there she glows.

she glows like the morning sun.
wasting her childish fears in the evening's complete
she dreams like the stars are her eyes
and breathes every breath in her heart.

awaiting her time. awaiting her chance.
awaiting the moment again her heart will dance.

there's a broken side to see
the way of a being's soul.

there's a wonder that you've missed
the way of her innocent heart.

the angelic tones in her voice
speak of all to come.

spilling her heart out
she is not average.

she is more than a beauty
she is a love.

she is more than fashionable
she is gentle.

and there she glows.
she glows like the sun.
and she will dance like there's no tomorrow.

fallen

2009-06-26T09:06:00.002-07:00

fumbled and fallen
yeah, maybe i've fallen....

but grace is greater dimension still unknown for me.

heavy and heartbroken
yeah, maybe i'm heart broken...

but scarlet and crimson is the yet to be discovered Healer of all.

tattered and torn
yea, maybe i'm torn....

but better than a bandaid, is One restoring my ever bleeding heart.

and Peace be my friend through this tormenting fright.

and Love be closer than my blankets surrounding.

and Jesus, light my heart that ever darkens my night.

four years

2009-06-26T09:06:00.001-07:00

it was four years that passed by
and i never knew i was living.
i never knew i had life.
i remember nothing.

until You found me.

four years had faded and i remember nothing.
i've just realized this truth.

i may've been young, but i believed.
my repentant little heart never looked back.

i don't remember the day
i don't remember the hour.
but i do remember the moment.
You found me.
and i was young.
but i found You too.

yes. i found You too.
and i believed.

not a memory has been remembered but from that day on, almost as an inaugeration for life... i, truly, began to live.

since the day You found me.
i remember not a moment beforehand.

and i need not.
Your grace is sufficient.

and 20 years down the road of loving You,
it is still all i can remember.

thank You my Love.

sin

2009-06-26T09:05:00.002-07:00

so.
i am inclined to think something. yes. think. i have been. and will continue.

i have a thought derived from John 3:16.

If God loves the WHOLE world, then...
He loves every body.

However...
Does God love murders, child-molestors, druggies, homosexuals, human traffickers, poachers, etc...???

notice, all the above are all sinners.
all of the above i have taken people. people who sin.
or people who have committed sin.
i have just identified them with their sin.

so simply put... God loves people.
not their identitys.

past their identification of sin.
whatever you identify yourself with, you become.
does this mean, they are animals?
no. they are people. that sin.

HUMAN NATURE.

but i am sure i have committed murder in my heart when i have thought a hateful thought.

what am i to say then? because i sin...
human nature.

but, i identify myself with Christ, not my sin.
still apt to sin, but i have the Holy Spirit.

does God still love these people? regular people?

yes.

because i am capable and apt to the same sins.
don't ever tell me i am perfect. i am not.

God hates sin. He doesn't hate me though.
He certainly does not hate people.
He hates their sin.

God's grace is farther than my mind can comprehend.
He is not foolish with it, He is merely extravagant.

i think i am done...... for now.

music

2009-06-26T09:05:00.001-07:00

numbers make no sense anymore
chords and staff paper have no room in the music my heart produces and writes for You my Love.
the words i write are not enough; for my hearts expression is too great for my tongue to tell.

could i be but freed from the limits of communication my heart longs to share with you.

i would then share my love.

rhythms and rhymes make sense no more.
i cannot be limited to write a mere symphony when You deserve so much more.

november 18,2008

trails and traces

2009-06-26T09:03:00.000-07:00

the trails and traces
the tracks of tears
streaming down my face

i've been waiting
all night long
to finally share these. my fate.

> if tears are trails
then i've been on a long journey.
they're telling a story of stored grief in my heart - to a hidden melody.

>if tears be traces, then am i thus scarred, marked for life by the landmarks inside my chest
telling their own stories and buikding up walls.
it appears they know best.

>if tracks seem as they were
they would be railroads travelling as far as the eye to see.
in transit to make somewhat of my life and of my life my own misery.

the trails and traces
the tracks of tears
streaming down my face

tell the gruesome stories
and tales of my heart
going from place to place.

december 24, 2008

my first blog

2009-05-29T20:27:00.001-07:00

this is quite interesting. i have never had a blog site. oh, invigorating.

what a turn in my life. well...

celebacy: an option.

motherhood: well, i know the future children of my womb wouldn't be happy if i were a celebate.

well... onto life i suppose.

i know i am embarking on the biggest adventure of my life.

this is for all who read.... i am in love with G-d.

period.

the conclusion of my first blog on blogspot.com ever!